Chadventures For All

It was good that Nathan didn't have many things. He was free to walk to the bathroom without stumbling over misplaced books or shoes in the dark. Nathan didn't have much coordination. There was one bottle in the medicine cabinet. Nyquil? No—just ear infection medicine. Nathan stumbled over his feet as he walked to the front room. The light from the neon sign across the street filled the room with a red glow. He liked to say it looked like Mars. Nathan moved in slow motion across the room and imagined walking across the empty red terrain. He always wanted to be an astronaut.

After rummaging through his jeans, neatly folded and hung in the closet, he managed just enough change for one of those muffins, not another cranberry, those were disappointing. What about blueberries? Aren’t they good for your skin?

No one’s out at 3:30, which means Nathan didn’t bother with finding anything other than his plaid pajamas that had somehow made their way into his wardrobe, once his roommate moved out of the dorms. It wasn’t until after graduation was Nathan able to laugh at what had happened in their room with Jeremy Atkins that year—undergarments were very private items for Nathan.

Apparently, women have always run the entire doughbut store. Since the 1950’s, the radical liberal women suffering under repression of men always had a job waiting for them at Maggie’s Old City Doughnuts. Maggie left Poplar Bluff and her husband after several years of “thinking too highly of himself”. She eventually found her rightful place opening this store as a workingwoman in the suburbs. Nathan learned all of this from a framed newspaper nailed to the wall.

“And there’s more where that came from!” A woman exploded into the store from the back room. Nathan recognized her from the picture in the newspaper article. Maggie still works the night shifts at Maggie’s Old City Doughnuts.

“And what would you like tonight?”

Nathan ordered the blueberry muffin and a gallon of milk. It’s nice to know you can buy these types of things just across the street. Crumbs littered the table.

“How’s it taste? My granddaughter just cooked up the recipe a week ago and we’ve been taking new liberties.” Nathan imagined the mystery ingredient: rat poison, cyanide, Nyquil. Nathan hoped the missing ingredient was Nyquil. But it wasn’t—it was delicious whatever it was.

“It’s—“

“Never let anything stay the same for too long. We change the recipes frequently. It keeps our clients on their toes.” Nathan started to wonder exactly what he was eating. “It’s nothing detrimental! Shame on you for thinking so!” He didn’t know this, but Maggie could read minds. She won the first place award in the state fair of 1974 and 1975 for guessing weight and age for just 50 cents. She was never wrong. Maggie could have gone on to win for the next 100 years, but she felt unchristian for always overshadowing Ed Tucker's gigantic tomatos. Nathan began to worry about the store's safety late at night. But, he still didn't know she could read minds.

“People are never safe at night—at least not as much as we used to be, but we take precautions now.” It wasn’t until now that Nathan noticed the loud music shouting from the back room. “It’s made to make people think there’s a party here." A pretty woman entered from the back room carrying two balloons and a party mask. She eyed Nathan, grabbed a cup, filled it with water and floated right into the back room again. “No one will try anything here, as long as the neighborhood doesn’t go bad like all the rest of them.”

Nathan fought against the urge of falling asleep on the table. What would she think of him? He tried to sneak out while Maggie had her back turned, but it's hard to sneak out with a mind-reader always in your head. “Get some sleep, son. You need it.” Like always, Maggie spoke the truth. It took Nathan a long time to get used to new places. He tripped getting into bed that night and awoke with a start in the morning.